Sucker for tenderness, I guess

I'm 17 again and I'm crying like a big tree has fallen over and pinned me to the ground, because Kevin doesn't like me enough to be in a relationship.

I know it has nothing to do with the other person. I take shit so personal, like it's all my fault, and I feel bad because I know I have all this emotional baggage I should resolve. I wish I knew how I got this way, but of course I know exactly how.

Since I'm not 100% a debbie downer--the positive and supportive shit I say to people surprises me at times-- I must end this blog entry on a optimistic note. Or at least try.

If I got over my fear of job interviews which lead to not practicing (at all) and not getting hired, which lead to me not trying again because rejection sucks.. I can get over this.

I will eventually stop placing my eggs in the wrong basket, stop finding meaning in the wrong places, and stop finding kindness and thoughtfulness SO touching that I idealize them.

I will become a more assertive Sandra not for the sake of others. The best investment you can make is yourself. At least the first step I made towards self-care was #1 confessing, #2 said I wanted us to stop talking, #3 not give up on what I wanted, #4 followed through with #2 (for the past 2 days). I always wish 17 year old Sandra had done that. Respect herself, and prioritized her NEEDS over the other person's "wants".

Side note: Yesterday evening, I spilled an entire cup of free horchata I got from THE TACO TRUCK GUY after I got home. I was so upset, and if you think about the idiom it relates to, it was the biggest fucking ironic thing that could possibly happen to me that day.