I feel nostalgic for the near decade I actively used Xanga and Blogger, where there was an actual community of friends and school mates and we would engage with each other's posts. Somehow, I had so much to say, and all these damn feelings I didn't know how to process so I would write as an outlet. Then I got older, had less feelings or maybe removed the external forces that were creating it, and just stopped wanting to talk. My thoughts were no longer so.. comprehensive that it was necessary to write them all out in a post. A few sentences on Twitter did the job just as well.

Astrology is a crock, but I also half-believe in it. Just like karma and reincarnation, and energies of the universe. So I'll read horoscopes for fun, and whatnot. Years ago, I learned that I am a Cancer moon. And honestly, it made so much sense why I could never fully identify as Gemini. On the other hand, you could also say that the qualities in a Cancer are typical feminine traits. And I am a female. And an older sister. And come from an Asian heritage. The necessity of maintaining social harmony (i.e. forsaking the urge to choke an outsider playing "Devil's Advocate" for the sake of being a fucking dick and wanting to to appear intelligent to compensate for his lack of formal education, or whatever) and looking out for family has been drilled into my psyche. So you are not wrong.

Originally I logged in to write about something else, but it no longer seems important. I want to end with this: I am okay. I am honestly okay. I am kinder to myself than I was before. I used to feel so guilty about this and that. I would find myself in funks that would typically last two weeks until I eventually got tired of it and pulled myself out of the shit I somehow dug myself into. Now I prioritize health and well-being. Funks don't last as long. Or at least I haven't noticed. But if I want to do completely nothing, I take an entire day to do nothing. I will lay in bed, take a nap in the afternoon, kill hours on my phone, and not feel like I'm worthless because I did nothing. Then there's vitamins, sleeping on a regular schedule, getting a reasonable amount of sleep, some exercise, getting a few hours of sunlight (I'm a plant!), and all that. I don't need to live until 100, but I don't want to die at 40 from something I could've prevented. I try to pinpoint the cause of my bad mood, being conscious of what I'm feeling, and do something about it if I can. I am not my emotions, and how other people feel do not have to affect how I feel.

These mantras, if you can call it that, are what I firmly believe, and help erase the internalized beliefs that has caused me to inflict enormous pressure on myself to the point of being inactive in fear of not meeting my perfectionist expectations: There is no correct way to live life. Everyone starts somewhere. And there is always tomorrow.

I have accepted that it's fine my vision of the future is not clear or fully planned, that things will change and I also will keep changing.

Stay well, friends :)