Timestamp it

I have many thoughts.

Topics that I've been reflecting on:

• My racial identity as an Asian-American, racial relationships and tensions among minorities. I actually might need to pull myself off of Twitter. Every day I see some news article and it is something terrible. Today, it was about a white racist murdering an Indian man. Based on geographical distance, this white man surely had no relatives that died in 9/11, and shot the Indian man because he was Indian. In the past month, I've seen two videos that sparked comments and racist remarks between the Asian and black community on Twitter. And it makes me curious about equivalent racial tension between Asians and Latin/Hispanic people. Currently I can barely find anything on the subject. 
• Last week, or so: Remembering that my own career path is in my own hands. I half-heartedly agreed to a phone interview, and I already felt like it wouldn't have been a good fit, although on paper, it would be impressive if I were actually hired. I wanted it for the compensation and prestige, but also felt like I wouldn't be happy working 40+ hours and potentially working off the clock with my mind always on work, in a job position I have told myself I wanted to leave. I also felt that I should not be someone that just PASSIVELY takes what is given to me, but be someone that goes after what I really want. So, I don't exactly know what it looks like, but my dream job and dream company are somewhere out there. I remember being asked, where I wanted to work, or which company I wanted to apply to, when I was still in school. I thought it was a really weird question at the time, like do people just study business to become some sheep at a big company, as long as it pays and they're fed? Is THAT what we're supposed to aspire to? (I'm a bit of an idealist, can you feel it?)
• Today: SATISFACTION and contentment that I majored in Business. I don't know how to explain it. I was thinking about a "problem", not consciously, more like daydreaming, then an idea for a solution just clicked in my head. I have felt shame because I didn't major in anything particular, like Finance or Accounting or Information Systems, but PERHAPS the real problem is not that I studied a vague and broad subject, but I don't like ambiguity. I might actually hate it. I want things spelled out for me, I want order and structure, things to be planned out in advance, a timeline, a rule book.
  ? How do I create more of these moments of clarity for myself? Continue learning and studying? Continue DOING? 
• Would I really be content with dying alone and single? I say that but do I want that? Because what if it does really happen? Maybe I do want to get married in my 30s. Aren't I also wasting my 20s not dating around and getting free dinner? Am I making the most out of my youth? Should I.. reinstall dating apps...
• Why is it that as an adult, you have to undo the emotional damage you experienced between 0-18? Or maybe 0-20 years old. Well, here's some of mine: "fear of success" and "skin hunger". Plausible explanations to why I find myself attached to the wrong guys (they give me physical affection and I like it! They have a slight bad boy vibe, and I like it!), and why my anxiety level rises whenever my bosses have talked about job promotions and the new responsibilities that come with it. I should just accept the scary as part of being an adult. You can only keep leveling up in life, you can't go back down... Unless you really fuck it up.