I am tired of pretending.

I held on for so long because there used to be love there. There used to be hope, and it breaks my fucking heart. 

I contributed to the problem and I’m not perfect but I deserved better. I deserve someone that can meet me where I’m at, emotionally. 

When we broke up, I brought up couples counseling and you asked me if I would be able to keep the appointment. First of all, fuck you. 

Later you said it felt like I was being ingenuine when I brought that up. I guess you forgot about the part where I was sobbing with you and we cried for two hours. 

During our last conversations, I felt dismissed. A lot. I noticed the jokes you made, the inability to take true accountability, how you turned things against me. Argumentative. Egotistical. I finally understood why you made me feel unheard and unseen for so long. I saw that you would never change. This is the part of you that you're so proud to keep. For what?

I reread our old text conversations and I saw that I’d been communicating to you about our issues and you ignored it. You showed no curiosity about my feelings. You brushed things off and only wanted to focus on the good times. How could I feel connected to you this way? Why did you make me feel alone? 

I feel like I bent over backwards to accommodate for your bad moods. I don’t even know what I get out of it. And you fucking tell me you think I’m ingenuine for suggesting couples counseling because I ignored you the week prior. I can hold two conflicting emotions and thoughts at the same time, did you know? I can be angry and still not want to let go of our relationship. 

It was so exhausting pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t. 

I feel like everything I do now is to spite you. 

But I don’t feel happy. I just feel lost.

Your mannerisms are ingrained in my brain. I relive the hurt and betrayal I felt. Anger, disappointment. Loneliness.

You said we had different values. I didn’t even know that was in your vocabulary. Later, I asked what you thought your values were. You said you didn’t know. Okay, who helped you come up with this response then? Who keeps enabling you and preventing you from growing up? And why don’t you see that? Why do you think change means inauthenticity?

Next week marks 3 months of therapy. I cry every week. I do it for 18 year old me who was holding onto a lot of shame and expectations, for 21 year old me who had old scars and felt let down, and present day me who’s learning what emotional neglect means. And for future me. 

I hope the love I’ve always yearned for will find me in this lifetime. 

I hoped it would be you but I know it’s not. When we last saw each other, you said you’d always love me but I don’t believe anything you say anymore.

August 2025.