Transitioning Period - 01/2020

In the last month, our relationship finally cracked and we broke up. I cried for days straight. Aaliyah has a song about a four page love letter. Well, I wrote an eight page letter and could’ve written more if I didn’t stop myself from being repetitive. Two weeks later, I started a new job. Commuting to work is lengthy and I don’t have a lot of time if I want enough sleep. I told him we couldn’t be friends and I blocked him. I downloaded dating apps and went on several dates like it was absolutely nothing. I had three in one week or four in eight days—two on the same day, even. This would’ve terrified me in 2017 when I was new to this, opening myself to judgment from strangers. “An introvert’s nightmare”.

I wondered if I was settling, if we were wrong for each other towards the end. I can’t know if the fear was justified. It was like any doubt I had, he took it and ran with it. I could not express pessimism about our future unless I wanted him to leave me.

I want to feel like myself, whoever she is. But if I’m still growing and changing, maybe I’ll never feel that way.